|Occupation||Moisture farmer (Formerly)|
|Relatives||Padmé Amidala, Mother |
Leia Amidala, Sister
Owen Lars, Uncle
Beru Lars, Aunt
|First Appearance||Page 640, Revelation of the Sith (Baby)|
Page 697, A New Generation (Adult)
Luke Amidala (Originally named Adam Lars, alias Luke Starkiller) is a character played by Corey. He was born the son of Anakin and Padmé Amidala with the name Luke Amidala, but was raised by his aunt and uncle Owen Lars and Beru Lars who raised him as their own son, whom they named Adam Lars. When he learned the truth about his real parents and his real name, he chose the alias Luke Starkiller. Raised by paranoid survivalists, much of that paranoia seems to have rubbed off on him, as he's highly distrustful of his allies. He's also inherited great abilities from the Force, but is highly distrustful of the Force as well.
Revelation of the Sith Edit
Obi-Wan was with Padmé as she was giving birth, assissted by a rather inept EW-3 Midwife Droid. Padmé first gave birth to a boy, whom she named Luke. She then gave birth to a girl, whom she named Leia. Padmé closed her eyes and stopped moving.
Bail Organa informed Obi-Wan and Yoda that Naboo had been liberated. He revealed that General Jar-Jar Binks led the assault, nixed the Feds, and moved the planet back to its original orbit; that Sio Bibble saved most of the people by schmoozing with the Feds; that the capital Theed was protected by a force field; but the Lost Orb of Phanastacoria was once again lost. They pondered what to do with the babies. Yoda declared they should never be allowed to learn the Force and that it was too dangerous to keep them together. Organa volunteered that he had a "chick" on Alderaan who was into kids, who'd raise the girl. They decided to give Leia Padmé's blaster. As Organa left, Obi-Wan and Yoda argued about what to do next. Yoda wanted to go meditate on the Jedi's failures, while Obi-Wan wanted to rebuild the Jedi and Republic. Their argument got personal, until Obi-Wan declared that he'd take the boy as far away from Alderaan as possible. Yoda was fine with that because it meant this brother and sister would never have to meet each other. They agreed to give Luke Padmé's underwater oxygen extraction aparatus and grappling hook.
Obi-Wan decided he'd take the boy to Tatooine, where Luke had family that was more remote than Padme's family on Naboo. He then learned he had no way of getting there because Clone Troopers had just destroyed his ship while looking for Jedi. R2-D2 offered his space dreadnought for Obi-Wan to borrow, although he warned that it's weapons weren't online yet and it had no guidance system.
Obi-Wan arrived on Tatooine (and commented on what a landing it was). He took Luke to Luke's Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru Lars to raise him. Beru promised to keep him safe, since they had a very large stockpile of weapons and food, and that Luke would be able to bullseye wamp rats by the time he was five. Obi-Wan wandered off into the desert.
A New Generation Edit
19 years later, Adam Lars had lived on the desert world of Tatooine all his life, and he was helping his father, Owen Lars, purchase some droids from the Jawas. C-3PO and R2-D2 were among the droids being lined up for sale. 3PO greeted Owen and asked if he remembered her, but Owen whispered to her not to let the others hear her. He decided to purchase 3PO and another droid, Red, and put Adam in charge of them. He ordered Adam to have them both secured in the garage right away before dinner. They were about to head to their home when Red short-circuited. 3PO suggested they purchase R2 instead and they agreed.
Adam locked in R2 and 3PO into the garage. 3PO noticed there was enough oil for her to take a bath so she did so, cleaning out the dust contamination in her body. R2 told Adam he was going to have to clean R2 manually. 3PO summarized the story up to this point (she clearly thought Anakin and Padme were both dead) and that Palpatine was so beloved, the people made him Emperor for life, but he was beholden to a corrupt Senate, that 3PO and R2 were part of a Rebellion against the Senate, that they'd learned that the Peace Moon was being powered by the Lost Orb of Phanastacoria to be used as a weapon by the Senate, so they'd stolen some plans of the Peace Moon to find a way to retrieve the Orb from the Moon and restore it to its rightful owners, the Gungans of Naboo. 3PO told Adam they were trying to take the plans to the only Senator they could trust, Jar Jar Binks of Naboo. 3PO offered to have Adam join them and help save the Galaxy. Adam refused, not wanting to blow his quest by letting R2 and 3PO out of the garage. R2 tried to persuade him by replaying a part of Princess' message. Adam still refused. R2 asked Adam one favor, whatever he did, please don't remove the bolt attached to R2's chassis. Of course, Adam couldn't resist and removed the restraining bolt from R2.
Adam was called in to have supper with his parents, Owen and Beru Lars. Beru told him to drink his milk. Adam noted that the milk was blue. Beru told him that if he didn't drink it, he'd die, so Adam drank it. Owen suggested that after dinner, he and Adam refuel the generators to keep the perimeter guns powered for the next month. Beru commented that she'd picked up some interesting chatter on the Black Alpha channels. Owen told Adam that all he needed to know was don't go out at night, don't talk to strangers, and don't look at the sky. Beru added that if he did he'd die. Adam asked them why they didn't tell him anything about the Empire, the Lost Orb, and the Peace Moon. Owen asked where he heard about that. Adam told them from the droids. Owen told Adam to go and melt down the droids after supper to stop their lies from crazy outsider folk. Adam was quite eager to do this. Owen then told him that afterwards he should resume moisture farming. This Adam was less eager to do, and he told them he wanted to go on quests. Beru told him that if he did, he'd die. Owen asked who would do the moisture farming. Beru added that they'd all die.
Adam stepped outside to go melt down the droids. Adam decided to defy his parents and look at the sky for a second. He saw the setting of the twin suns of Tatooine.
Adam made it to the garage only to discover that R2 was not there. 3PO revealed he'd escaped. Adam wanted to melt down 3PO right then and there. 3PO was only able to talk him out of it by offering to help him find R2. Adam stepped out into the evening to try to find R2 with infarred binoculars. He didn't find R2 and decided he'd have to wait till morning to track R2 down. 3PO asked him what skills he had. He revealed a long, impressive list of skills including survival in snow which he had because his parents made him live in the freezer for Space Lent every year, where he made igloos.
The next morning, Adam and 3PO tried to track down R2 while driving a landspeeder. 3PO told Adam about the Sand People, and offered to negotiate with them if they come across them. Adam accused her of planning to negotiate with them to have him killed, and told her his dad was right about her. 3PO told him that his parents were the most paranoid nutcases ever. Adam asked her what she'd know about paranoid nutcases. She replied that she was built by one.
They located R2. Adam ordered him and 3PO to line up before a rock wall so he could melt them down on the spot. R2 and 3PO tried to talk him out of it, to no avail. Suddenly they all got the feeling they were being watched. Adam got out his binoculars. Adam was able to locate the banthas the Sand People rode in on, but then a Sand Person leaped up upon them. 3PO tried to karate chop the Sand Person, but fell over. Adam wanted to attack the Sand Person, but he was armed only with a pair of binoculars, so Adam tried to dodge, but the Sand Person was able to knock him to the ground. The Sand Person struck Adam again and knocked him unconscious.
The Sand People laid out Adam's unconscious body. R2-D2 hid behind some rocks. C-3PO tried to play dead by pulling out one of her arms. The Sand People didn't fall for this ploy and laid her out beside Adam. The Sand People saw R2's hiding place and approached him.
Obi-Wan arrived and approached the Sand People. The Sand People bowed respectfully at Obi-Wan and left. Obi-Wan revived Adam. Adam didn't want to talk to Obi-Wan at first, since his parents warned him against talking to strangers, so Obi-Wan introduced himself as Obi-Wan Kenobi, a former Jedi knight, and explained that the Jedi were a force for good once. R2 demanded to know what Obi-Wan did to R2's dreadnought. Obi-Wan just replied that he crashed it and left it. Adam was surprised to learn that Obi-Wan and R2 already knew each other. Obi-Wan explained they fought together in the Droid Wars. 3PO explained that these wars led to the downfall of the Jedi and the corruption of the Senate. R2 explained that Adam intended to melt down him and 3PO, but they really needed to contact Senator Jar Jar Binks, and the fate of the Galaxy lay in the balance. Obi-Wan suggested they talk further at his home. Adam wanted to go back to his own home and finish his quest of melting down the droids. Obi-Wan told him he had no dispute with Adam's quest and told Adam to follow him. Adam found himself going along with Obi-Wan.
At Obi-Wan's home, 3PO was able to talk Adam into reattaching her arm before she was to be melted down. Obi-Wan explained to Adam how Adam's father betrayed the Jedi and orchestrated their extermination, that there was now no safe haven in the Galaxy for the Jed, and that Obi-Wan hadn't spoken to Adam's father since. Adam was shocked to hear that his dad, Owen Lars, did all that. Obi-Wan started to explain that Adam's life was a lie. He showed Adam his father's laser sword, and explained that Adam never knew his real father. Adam was just confused by this, so Obi-Wan gave him an ultimatum: if Adam returned to his moisture farm, the story would end, he would melt down the droids, and he could believe whatever he wanted to; but if he took the laser sword, Obi-Wan could show Adam who he really was. Adam thought about it and decided: a laser sword had to be better than binoculars.
Obi-Wan told Adam that his real name wasn't "Adam Lars" but "Luke Amidala", and that Obi-Wan was there when his mother gave birth to him and named him. 3PO added that they all were. Obi-Wan told Luke (as he shall be called from now on) that the people he thought were his parents were actually his aunt and uncle, and that they devoted their lives to Luke's protection. He told Luke that Luke was a Jedi. Luke asked how that could be. Obi-Wan told him his true father was a powerful Jedi, a strong user of the Force, and explained what the Force was. Obi-Wan told Luke that to those hunting the Jedi, Luke had always been a target, which is why he needed to be kept hidden. Obi-Wan offered to train Luke in the use of the Force. Luke asked if the fact he'd gone through the first 19 years of his life without knowing anything about the Force and the Jedi would be a problem. Obi-Wan stammered, no, not at all.
Obi-Wan told Luke that his aunt and uncle lied to him about being his parents to protect him. Luke asked about his real parents. Obi-Wan related how Luke's father was corrupted, and killed Luke's mother, how Obi-Wan duelled with him and he fell. He also told Luke that his mother was an angel, and he passed on what she wanted Luke to have when he was old enough: her underwater oxygen extraction aparatus and grappling hook.
Luke realized that this meant 3PO and R2's story of a Galaxy saving quest was true. R2 replayed Princess' message about going to Naboo with the Peace Moon plans (after getting a wrong message of Princess gossiping about her hair). Obi-Wan couldn't believe everyone was still concerned about the Peace Moon plans. Luke decided to go on this mission. Obi-Wan suggested they get a spaceship at Mos Eisley, but R2 wanted to reclaim his dreadnought and intended to have a not-so-friendly talk with the Jawas that took its homing signal.
Obi-Wan, 3PO, R2, and Luke came across the Jawas, all of them slaughtered. Obi-Wan determined that the laser blasts that killed them were far too percise for Sand People, and it couldn't have been clone troopers because they were rubbish at shooting. Obi-Wan decided it must have been Owen and Beru, that they must have gone on a murderous rampage looking for Luke. Luke sped back home, only to discover that the farm had been destroyed and that Owen and Beru had been killed. 3PO asked if that meant he wouldn't melt down her and R2. Luke replied that he ought to honor their last request.
Luke related the destrucion of his home and the deaths of his aunt and uncle to Obi-Wan and the droids. He said those clone troopers must be better shots than Obi-Wan thought. Obi-Wan pointed out that they were cloned from Jango Fett, who had a nervous twitch whenever he fired at living beings, which meant he never hit. R2 announced he was done looting the Jawas' bodies. Luke demanded his share, so R2 gave him a spread-spectrum black-body alpha wave suppressor. Luke recalled how he broke all of Owen and Beru's rules, he went out at night, looked at the sky, talked to strangers, and now his aunt and uncle were dead. 3PO suggested he help them save lives by joining in their quest. Luke agreed to help them until they could find a blast furnace.
Obi-Wan took Luke, C-3PO, and R2-D2 to Mos Eisley, warning them that they'd never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. The others concluded that the more wretched hives of scum and villainy must be very well hidden. Obi-Wan advised against Luke using his real name of Luke Amidala, since that last name would ring alarm bells. Luke chose to call himself "Luke Starkiller" from then on.
As they entered the city on Luke's hovercar, R2 was outraged when he saw that Mos Eisley was made up from pieces of his beloved dreadnought because he knew what that meant: the natives had torn apart his dreadnought and used it to build Mos Eisley. They were stopped by a squad of Clone Troopers, who informed them the Troopers were looking for a dangerous lunatic and two droids, that the lunatic was a home-schooled survivalist from an off-grid compound. The Troopers asked them if they've seen anything unusual lately. Luke claimed he hadn't. Obi-Wan asked what this lunatic looked like. The Troopers replied that he looked just like Luke, then asked Luke and Obi-Wan if they'd seen anyone of that description. Obi-Wan said he hadn't aside from Luke and asked Luke if he had a twin. Luke replied no, not that he was aware of. Obi-Wan apologized for not being more help. The Troopers let them go, but suggested to Luke that he could come patrol with them when he was not too busy to give people a better idea of what this lunatic looked like, no offense.
Obi-Wan took Luke, 3PO, and R2 to a cantina to try to find a pilot to take them to Naboo. Obi-Wan talked to BoShek who reccomended he talk to a Wookie. The Wookie was Chewbacca, the Wookie Yoda had talked to 19 years earlier on Kashyyyk. But before Obi-Wan could talk to Chewbacca, Wuher, the bartender, ordered R2 out of the cantina because he was on their blacklist, due to R2 having a bad reputation. 3PO volunteered to wait outside with R2, and they left.
Luke walked up to the bar and ordered a blue milk, but Wuher had never heard of anything so ridiculous, and told him they only served whiskey, so Luke had that instead. Obi-Wan talked to Chewbacca, telling him they needed a fast ship to Naboo. Chewbacca waxed poetic about Naboo, and Obi-Wan could tell by his eloquence that Chewbacca was a man of exquisite refinement.
Luke tried to strike up a conversation with the alien sitting next to him, Ponda Baba, about moisture farming, but Baba took immediate offense at hearing such nonsense. Baba's friend, Doctor Evazan was equally offended. Luke tried to explain to them that he really was a moisture farmer, but that only made them angrier. Luke tried to change the subject by asking if they had any blue milk, which really infuriated them, Evazan telling Corey he'll be dead. Ponda drew a blaster, but Obi-Wan stepped forward and sliced off Ponda's arm with his laser sword. Ponda asked what Obi-Wan did that for, Ponda was only messing with the kid, and now it'd take hours for his arm to grow back. Ponda then admitted that he was just kidding, that his arm was actually gone forever. And it hurt a lot.
Chewbacca introduced Obi-Wan and Luke to Greedo. Greedo spoke with a thick, Space Italian accent. Obi-Wan repeated his request of a fast ship to Naboo and no questions asked, but Greedo, with his stereotypical Italian, phrased nearly everything he said in the form of a question. Obi-Wan played this to his advantage, offering Greedo and Chewbacca payment in two thousand credits now, plus fifteen thousand more when they reach Naboo, minus one thousand for each additional question. Greedo, still phrasing nearly everything he said as a question, inadvertantly reduced the price from seventeen thousand total to thirteen thousand. Some Troopers entered the cantina, and Obi-Wan and Luke sneaked out the back door. It turned out that these Troopers had spotted Luke's hovercar, but the only reason they were interested was to inform the owner that one of the taillights was broken. Greedo and Chewbacca realized they needed to get themselves a ship.
Outside, Luke wanted to get some blue milk, but Obi-Wan told him it was not as important as he was told. Luke also wanted to know why the people in the cantina reacted the way they did when he mentioned moisture farming. Obi-Wan advised Luke not to believe everything his "parents" told him. Luke decided that they must've been farming something else, but what he couldn't figure out.
Luke sold his hovercar to Wioslea. He tried to haggle on the price, but Wioslea wouldn't offer anything other than 2000 credits, half its value. Obi-Wan advised Luke to take it. He asked Luke for more information on the mission, explaining that he knew they had to take the plans to Senator Jar Jar Binks on Naboo, but he didn't know why. Luke recalled something 3PO said to him about the Peace Moon being a weapon powerful enough to destroy a whole planet. Obi-Wan realized to his horror that that must mean that the Empire had the Lost Orb of Phanastacoria, and that it was being used to power the Peace Moon. As he mentioned the Orb, Luke remembered that part too.
Luke and Obi-Wan reunited with 3PO and R2 as they went off to the spaceport to meet Greedo and Chewbacca. Luke wanted to know why all the Clone Troopers they'd met were such total idiots. Obi-Wan explained that their clone father had installed a failsafe in them in the event of his death. Jango Fett thought it would kill them, but all it really killed was their connection to the Force, which had left them extremely suggestible unless they were controlled by a strong Force user. The way Obi-Wan said this indicated that he realized there was a sinister implication in this.
Obi-Wan, Luke, R2, and 3PO met Greedo and Chewbacca at the Millenium Falcon. Greedo announced that he just found out he was adopted and that his real name was Han Solo. When Luke asked him what happened to his accent, Han (as Greedo will be called from now on) only replied, "What accent?" Everyone except Han had gone onboard, when suddenly Garindan led a squad of Troopers into the spaceport, ordering the Troopers to stop them. Han fired on them and rushed onboard. He asked which way to the bridge. Obi-Wan pointed out the trail of duct tape labled, "This way to the bridge". Han and Chewbacca desperately tried to get the Falcon started, which neither of them had ever been on board before, while trying to pretend to the others that they know all about flying it. Somehow they managed to get the Falcon in orbit, but they were approached by two Imperial Star Destroyers who began firing on them. Through trial and error (including Han frantically mashing on every control he could get his hands on) they were finally able to get the Falcon safely into hyperspace.
While onboard the Falcon, Obi-Wan decided to train Luke in the use of the Force. Luke drew his laser sword, but was feeling a bit nervous holding such a dangerous weapon.
At the same time Luke was training, R2-D2 was playing a holographic RPG with Chewbacca. R2's holographic PC double crossed and killed Chewbacca's holographic PC and looted its body. But Chewbacca anticipated R2 would do this, and placed in his PC's coin purse a cursed item that depleted R2's PC's combat stats. Chewbacca smugly informed R2 he'd have to pay to get Chewbacca's PC resurrected.
To train Luke, Obi-Wan had a practice drone fire lasers at Luke to deflect with his laser sword. Luke tried, but failed, getting hit. Obi-Wan gave Luke a helmet to wear that covered his eyes, telling Luke it would protect his face from the laser sword. Obi-Wan told Luke to trust his instincts, and use the Force to anticipate where the laser blasts would come from. Luke now successfully deflected the laser blasts...which ended up hitting Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan just shrugged it off. The Falcon then reached where Naboo used to be.
The Falcon left hyperspace, but where Naboo should've been, there was only an asteroid field. Obi-Wan suggested that maybe Han didn't use the right controls, but Chewbacca verified that this is where Naboo was supposed to be, but that some tragedy must have destroyed the whole planet. C-3PO and R2 recalled all the good people they knew who would've perished in Naboo's destruction. Han was ecstatic, it turned out he used the right controls after all. Obi-Wan declared that Naboo's destruction could only have been a deliberate act of War. Chewbacca noted there was a short range fighter ahead of them. Han called that fighter a mass murderer and chased the Falcon after it. Luke noted that the fighter was headed into a big space station. Obi-Wan replied that that was no space station, that was the Peace Moon. Han flew the Falcon straight into the Peace Moon's docking bay, because he figured that was the last thing the enemy would expect.
Darth Vader ordered the Falcon to be torn apart. The Clone Troopers had no idea how they were supposed to tear apart the Falcon, but they noticed all the duct tape inside the ship and removed it. Assuming this would cause the Falcon to fall apart in a matter of time, they left. After they left, Han, Obi-Wan, 3PO, R2, Luke and Chewbacca emerged from their hiding places in secret compartments. Han declared that he had a plan.
Outside the Falcon, two Troopers were left standing guard of it, when the two-member Welcoming Crew arrived with a package of leis, champagne, and space-pineapple juice for the non-drinkers. They came onboard and were promptly dispatched by Han and Luke. Han called out to the two Troopers to come onboard and enjoy the champagne. They came onboard and were also dispatched.
In the control station overlooking the docking bay, Pol Treidum noticed the Troopers were no longer guarding the Falcon, until he saw Luke disguised as a Clone Trooper emerge from the Falcon. Treidum was angry because he thought they started the Welcoming Party without him. He opened the station door, only to be confronted by Han disguised as a Clone Trooper and Chewbacca. Treidum was delighted to see Chewbacca because he thought it meant they'd sent him a Wookie-gram and said so. Chewbacca was so enraged at being called a Wookie-gram, that he punched Treidum, knocking him down.
Han shot the other officer in the station and let in Obi-Wan, 3PO, R2, and Luke. He declared it was time for the next part of his plan, where they sprayed pheromones on the flowers in the leis he and Luke were wearing. Luke pointed out that Han had them put on the leis before putting on the Clone Trooper armor. Han decided they'd have to spray the pheromones on their armor. It turned out they had no pheromones. R2 plugged into an access port, which set off an alarm. R2 shut it off, but that triggered the alarm tampering alarm. As R2 tried to shut that off, the excess noise feedback level alarm kicked in. R2 tried to shut them all down, but 4 alarms were loudly sounding at once. On the bright side, R2 was able to locate the holding cell where Princess was being kept, and noted she was scheduled to be tortured. Luke and 3PO wanted to rescue her, while R2 wanted to retrieve the Lost Orb of Phanastacoria. Han declared they'd just have to split the party.
R2 finally shut down all the alarms, and they decided what to do. Obi-Wan decided that he'd rescue Princess by walking up to the Clone Troopers and use his Force powers to order them to hand her over to him. 3PO and R2 decided they'd get the Lost Orb. Luke decided that he, Han, and Chewbacca would stay here and man the station. Han said these were all good suggestions, but he had a better idea. Luke decided it'd be okay to tweak the plan just a little. Han smiled.
By the time Han was through, Obi-Wan had reluctantly agreed to go get the Orb by himself...somehow, 3PO and R2 had reluctantly agreed to guard the ship...somehow, and Luke had agreed that he, Han, and Chewbacca would go rescue Princess. Nobody was too enthused by this plan except Han. So he told them what he thought was the best part of the plan: he, Luke, and Chewbacca would be going to Princess' holding cell in handcuffs. On that inspiring note, Obi-Wan decided he should now leave the station to get the Orb. He told Luke to be careful with his laser sword. Luke asked Obi-Wan to give him the helmet to protect himself. Obi-Wan admitted that he only told Luke the helmet would protect him to build his confidence; in reality, the laser sword could cut through that helmet like warm butter. Obi-Wan left the station. Han ordered Luke and Chewbacca to put on their handcuffs with him. It turned out they had only one pair of handcuffs. Han decided that he should be the one wearing them. Luke pointed out they should be put on Chewbacca, since he was the only one not disguised as a Clone Trooper. Chewbacca politely declined, but Han pointed out that without the handcuffs, everyone would think Chewbacca was a Wookie-gram. Chewbacca reluctantly consented. As Han put the handcuffs on Chewbacca, Chewbacca asked Han not to lose the key this time. Han didn't even seem to know that there was a key.
Han, Luke, and Chewbacca went off to rescue Princess, with Han and Luke still disguised as Clone Troopers and Chewbacca in handcuffs. They walked up to a couple of Officers who could tell they were not real Clone Troopers, and started to question them. Han fumbled an answer, and Luke suggested adding a "Sir". Han interpreted that to mean he should try to pull rank on the Officers and did so. The Officers were convinced that Han and Luke were Senior Officers dressed as Clone Troopers for a costume party. They genuflected to Han and Luke, and let them pass.
Han, Luke, and Chewbacca boarded an elevator to the holding cells, where Chewbacca loosened his handcuffs. They reached the holding cells, where they were met by Lieutenant Shann Childsen, who referred to Chewbacca as a Wookie-gram. Chewbacca was so enraged by this, he punched Childsen, knocking him down. Han started to shoot the other guards there, but Chewbacca, still enraged, shot most of them. Han discovered which cell Princess was being held in and told Luke to go there while he tried to bluff an Intercom Voice. Han accidentally turned on the PA and was heard all over the Peace Moon saying that everything was fine, there was just a slight weapons malfunction. The Intercom Voice said they were sending a squad up. Han told them not to saying (again heard all over the Peace Moon) that there was a major radioactive leak, making it too dangerous to come. The Intercom Voice demanded to know who this was. Han decided to just shoot the intercom. Luke opened Princess' cell door and took off his Clone Trooper helmet. He told her his name was Luke Amidala and that he was there to rescue her. Princess displayed a lot of skepticism until Luke asked her if she wanted to be rescued or not.
Darth Vader was alone with Tarkin when the PA System kicked in giving a confused report on whether clones or senior officers had started shooting other officers. Vader turned on the PA and instructed clones to not shoot other officers. The PA System then announced that the shooters were intruders and that clones should protect the visiting tourists from the intruders.
Clone Troopers started to enter the holding cells area. Han and Chewbacca started shooting them and retreated further into the cells, where they met up with Luke and Princess. Luke contacted C-3PO and asked if there was another way out of here besides from where they came. 3PO told him they were near a chute. Luke asked if it was safe. 3PO started to say that R2-D2 said it was safe, then Princess grabbed a blaster and shot the chute open, jumping right through it. 3PO finished by saying that R2 meant it was safe for droids. Han ordered Chewbacca to jump in, and he reluctantly did so. Luke decided to trick the Troopers by yelling for R2 to teleport them out of there, then jumped through the chute. Han followed, but wondered what happened to the teleport.
Princess, Luke, Han, and Chewbacca landed in a horribly stinking chamber with metal shards all about them, and the floor ankle deep with water. R2 informed them that they should be in the compost bin of the memorial gardens. Jim shot the door, but the blast ricocheted all over the room. Something brushed past their legs. 3PO declared it was a dianoga, a giant Naboo earthworm, with a big eye on a stalk. The dianoga grabbed Luke and dragged him underwater. 3PO insisted they couldn't kill it because as a Naboo native, it was now the last of its kind. She implored R2 to do something, so R2 turned on the compactor. The walls started closing in, and the dianoga released Luke, who emerged from the water. The walls kept closing in. R2 tried several times to stop it, but the walls continued to close in. Han asked Luke if he was alright. Luke replied he was, because he was able to use his underwater oxygen extraction apparatus. Han told him to use his laser sword to cut a hole in the walls, but Luke refused, not trusting his laser sword. Instead, he suggested they try bracing the wall. Han thought that was a great idea, but Princess thought that was crazy and demanded that Luke either use the laser sword or give it to her. Luke told her that they were already facing solid steel walls and asked if she'd rather they were molten steel. Princess decided to help with the bracing.
3PO and R2 were out in the hangar in sight of the Falcon, and reestablished contact with Han, Princess, Luke, and Chewbacca who were still trapped in the composter with the walls closing in. R2 began to wonder if maybe this was because at the same time he'd been trying to shut down the composter, he'd been downloading the entire data on the Peace Moon in hopes of gaining control of it. All R2's efforts to shut down the composter failed. Han took charge of the bracing, and calculated where percisely to place each metal shard they'd got that would brace the walls, keeping them from closing in. The composter grinded to a halt.
Han, Princess, Luke, and Chewbacca had made it out of the composter. Han decided he and Luke should take off their Clone Trooper armor so they could disguise themselves as those intruders the PA System had mentioned earlier. He fired one last blast into the composter causing another wild ricochet. Princess told Han to stop shooting first all the time. She addressed Luke by the name he gave her, "Luke Amidala" and asked if he was any relation to Senator Amidala. Luke recalled that Obi-Wan told him his mother's name was Padme. Princess was able to deduce from that that Luke was the child of Anakin and Padme Amidala, making him a Force user. She warned him that if the Empire ever found out who he was, he'd be toast. Luke remembered he was supposed to be using his alias, "Luke Starkiller" from then on. R2 tried to guide them with descriptions of gardens that didn't match the metal corridors, while Han argued with Princess on why, as Han, he must always shoot first.
Han, Princess, Luke, and Chewbacca had reached a corridor with a window overlooking the hangar where the Falcon was landed. Han pointed out the Falcon to Princess. She was able to point out all sorts of dangerous design flaws on it, especially the lightspeed generator. She explained that her late father, Bail Organa, used to teach her about "hot rods" before his death. Han (and R2) thought the fact that the Falcon was dangerous to fly only made it more awesome. They ran into a small squad of Clone Troopers. Han shot one. Luke told him to shoot again, but Han was out of ammo. Han charged the squad and they retreated. Han ordered Chewbacca to follow him, and he reluctantly did so.
Princess and Luke ran into another group of Clone Troopers and retreated. Luke contacted R2 for directions. R2 led them to the "Gungan Divorium", actually a large ravine where they couldn't see the bottom, onto one edge of an unfinished bridge. Some Clone Troopers on a higher platform across the other side started firing at them. Luke fired back and decided to use his grappling hook. He tossed the hook and it wrapped around an exposed pole. Princess kissed Luke. Luke asked why she did that. She explained that she wanted to kiss somebody before she died. Princess held on to Luke as he managed to swing them safely to the other side.
Darth Vader confronted Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan addressed Vader as Anakin. Vader said Anakin was dead and that Obi-Wan killed the one Vader loved. They began to duel with their laser swords. Vader boasted that Vader'd found Vader's daughter and now Vader only needed to find Vader's son. Obi-Wan lied to Vader, claiming Vader's son was dead. Vader was able to sense that Obi-Wan was concealing something from Vader, and was able to sense from him the name, Starkiller. Obi-Wan told Vader that was the name of Vader's son's murderer, a ruffian who betrayed and murdered Vader's son and took his name. Vader determined that the name of Vader's son's killer must then be Luke Starkiller, and vowed to avenge Vader's son by tracking down Luke Starkiller and killing him. Obi-Wan realized he'd just made things more difficult for Luke.
Princess and Luke reunited with Han and Chewbacca, just outside the hangar. R2 and 3PO were on the opposite side of the hangar. Everyone agreed they should try to make their way to the Falcon and escape except R2, who wanted to get the Orb. When 3PO started to head for the Falcon, R2 reluctantly went with her.
Vader and Obi-Wan continued to duel. Obi-Wan told Vader that Obi-Wan knew Vader was using the Force to control the Clone Troopers, and without Vader's malevolent influence, they'd be harmless. Their duel had led them to an open corridor next to the Falcon, which distracted the Troopers guarding the Falcon, who rushed over to get a better look at the fight.
Princess, Luke, Han, Chewbacca, R2, and 3PO noticed the Troopers leaving their post at the Falcon. They started to make their way to the Falcon when they saw what had distracted the Troopers. Vader continued dueling Obi-Wan. Princess Addressed Vader as dad and told Vader to stop embarrassing her. Han thought this must mean Obi-Wan was her dad. Vader ordered the clones to shoot Obi-Wan's friends. Obi-Wan used Force Persuade to tell the clones not to. The clones obeyed him. Vader attacked with Force Disintegrate. Knowing there was no way he could beat that after being distracted from taking over the clones, Obi-Wan just let Vader strike him with Vader's laser sword, killing Obi-Wan and disintegrating his body. Luke was horrified. Vader ordered the clones to attack them, and left. Luke shot the Troopers in a blind rage. Princess urged Luke to get on the Falcon. They along with Han, R2, 3PO, and Chewbacca made it back into the Falcon. Chewbacca informed Han that since the Falcon was facing the hangar, Han would need to get it into reverse. Han pulled a random switch that luckily happened to be reverse, and the Falcon escaped the Peace Moon.
Onboard the Falcon Luke was mourning the loss of Obi-Wan, and questioned what he was even doing there. Princess was so disgusted by his self-pity, she insulted and berated him, telling he ought to join the Rebellion because he had as much reason to hate the Empire as anyone, after all, because of the Empire, Luke's dad Anakin turned evil and murdered his mother. Luke pointed out that Obi-Wan killed Anakin, and Princess agreed. She pointed out that her dad was evil, too, going out destroying innocent planets. Princess told him the Rebellion needed him since he had Force powers. Luke asked what good was the Force since it clearly didn't help Obi-Wan. Princess called him a sniveling nerf-herder. Princess continued to berate Luke. Luke angrily retorted that he just found out he'd been lied to his entire life and that every person he'd known for longer than two days was now dead. C-3PO took offense to that, and pointed out that droids were people too.
Han interrupted to ask if anybody could man the rear gun pod, because they had an enemy fighter situation. Luke decided he could still shoot stuff, and went to the rear gun pod as Han went to the other gun pod. Princess joined Chewbacca at the bridge, still expressing disgust that Luke was too scared to use the Force. She also lamented the loss of Obi-Wan, the last Jedi, stating he was their only hope. Chewbacca replied, no, there was another. He explained that Yoda was another Jedi who survived the clones' Jedi massacre and was still alive. He revealed how Yoda sabotaged his standing among his fellow Wookies, and then abandoned him on Kashyyyk, forcing Chewbacca to make his own way by becoming a rogue with Han. Princess exclaimed, "Man, what a freaking muppet."
The Falcon was being pursued by 4 enemy PIE fighters. Han started firing at them. 3PO asked what she could do. Han ordered her to get him hot chocolate with white marshmellows, no pink ones. 3PO angrily told him that droids weren't slaves, and since she and R2-D2 were among those who hired him, they were his boss. Han asked if she'd like white or pink marshmallows. 3PO told him to just shoot the fighters.
The PIE fighters started firing on the Falcon, scoring a major hit, causing a fire that R2 tried to put out with his own built in extinguisher. The PIE fighters scored another major hit.
Han fired at a PIE fighter on full auto with maximum spread and scored zero hits. Luke calculated the moment a PIE fighter would line up to his line of fire, and destroyed it on his first shot. The same thing happened with the next 2 PIE fighters: Han fired multiple times and missed with all of them, while Luke destroyed each fighter on his first hit for each. Finally, Han just let Luke take out the last one by himself, which Luke did, again on the first hit. Princess yelled, "We're alive! Suck it, Dad!" Han asked if she wanted to broadcast that, and she replied, "Hell, yeah!"
Later, onboard the Falcon, Princess thought they should go straight to the Rebel Base, and with R2's downloaded data on the Peace Moon, they'd be able to expose the Senate. Luke was worried the Peace Moon would be able to track them. She told them all the Falcon was so old-fashioned that it didn't have a coherent ion engine signature, so there was no way the Peace Moon would be able to track them. Luke thought they might be bugged, so Princess told him to go ahead and scan for bugs. Both Luke and R2 scanned for bugs and found nothing. Princess revealed the location of the Rebel Base and left Han and Luke alone on the bridge. Luke asked Han what he thought of Princess. Han told him she was hot and he was putting the moves on her. Luke told Han that he didn't trust her and thought she was a spy. Han decided that meant it was more important than ever for him to seduce her.
The Falcon arrived at the Rebel base on the fourth moon orbiting the gas giant planet, Yavin. At the base, Princess told General Willard that the Senate had the Peace Moon blow up Naboo and that R2 had the entire data on the Peace Moon downloaded. R2 addressed all the other Rebels (including Han, Chewbacca, 3PO, Princess, and Luke) at a briefing. He told them that the entire Moon was being powered by the Lost Orb of Phanastacoria, and that was the only way the Moon could get the energy to blow up a planet. Han asked how it was connected. R2 explained it was all being channeled by conduits on either side of the Orb. Han speculated that if the Orb got bumped while it was powering up to destroy a planet, the results could be catastrophic. This gave Luke an idea on how to destroy the Moon, and Han agreed. Give the Moon a planet to destroy, then as it powered up, fire a torpedo down a thermal exhaust port, and kaboom. 3PO was alarmed at the idea of giving the Moon a planet to blow up. Han pointed out a heavily populated Moon would do.
On Yavin, General Dodonna took over the briefing. Unfortunately, he was a long-winded gasbag that Chewbacca had to translate for, to reveal that the Peace Moon had just arrived and was heading their way. Han recommended retreat, and Chewbacca agreed. Princess pointed out they didn't have time to evacuate everybody, that their only real option was to stay and fight. Luke asked what firepower they had. Gold Leader answered that they had 4 squadrons of one-man fighters, a total of 32. Princess said they'd need to fire a torpedo into the thermal exhaust port. R2 tried to argue against destroying the Peace Moon, arguing that they could take it over instead. R2 claimed all they had to do was kill Darth Vader, use the Force to take over the clones, have them kill their superior offices, and the Peace Moon would be hi- er, theirs. He pointed out that Luke was the son of Anakin, so he could take over the clones. Luke pointed out he didn't know how to do that. 3PO added that he probably didn't want to. R2 pointed out to Princess that she wanted Luke to use the Force. She replied not to give R2 a superweapon. Princess pointed out the flaws in R2's plan: who was going to kill Vader, how was anybody going to even get near the Peace Moon, and Luke was too "chicken-livered" to use the Force. R2 pointed out her plan had the second flaw, too. Princess replied that was still two less flaws than R2's plan. 3PO asked R2 to figure out how their fighters could fly to dodge the Peace Moon's guns. R2 eagerly agreed since that would help validate his plan as well. This was the most complicated vector optimisation problem he'd ever had to solve. R2 chose to shut down all of his external systems and convert to full processing power, which would keep him out of the conversation for awhile.
Princess volunteered to lead the attack fleet. Dodonna offered in his long-winded way to be liason between the fighters and the command center. Princess vetoed that because she claimed that she'd need Dodonna to do a thing. That she'd explain later. Luke decided he'd lead the attack itself. The pilot sitting next to Luke, introduced himself as Wedge, and told Luke that even though Wedge was next in line of command, he'd support Luke all the way. This only makes Luke quite suspicious of Wedge. Princess ordered all pilots to their fighters. She asked R2 if he'd made his calculations. R2 didn't respond, indicating he was still calculating. Princess decided he'd have to finish the calculations on the fly, and ordered Luke to take R2 to his fighter, an X-Wing.
Luke asked C-3PO what she'd be doing during the battle. She told him the Rebel Fighter pilots came from a dozen different planets and spoke many different languages, so she'd be needed at the command centre to translate for everybody. She pointed out that being so useful indicated Luke shouldn't melt her down. He agreed she was useful for now, but he might melt her down next morning.
Han and Chewbacca told Luke and 3PO that they were leaving while they still could, not wanting to take part in the battle, and then they left. Princess/Leia Amidala wished Luke luck, by kissing him on the cheek. Luke accused her of being a traitor, but she denied it, which frustrated Luke since he knew there was a traitor around somewhere. Luke ran into two of his fellow pilots, Biggs, who was also from Tatooine near Mos Eisley and spoke with a thick Space American Southern accent, and Garven Dreis who spoke with a thick Space Brittish accent. 3PO told him he was lucky to be working with pilots who spoke Galactic Basic (or Space English). Luke and R2-D2 boarded their X-Wing fighter together. R2 was still in dormant mode because he was still calculating the fighters' strategy.
Princess and 3PO took up their positions in the command center as the X-Wing fighters and Y-Wing bombers headed off to fight the Peace Moon. Luke ordered the fighters with him to report in. In addition to Biggs and Wedge, there was Red Ten who spoke in Space French, Red Seven who spoke in Space Spanish, Porkins who spoke in Space Welsh, Red Nine who spoke Space Estonian, and Red Eleven who spoke in Space Basque. 3PO translated for them all, even though all they were saying was their ship numbers and "standing by". R2 was still dormant as they began to approach the Peace Moon. The Moon opened fire on them, which Red Four reported in Space Japanese which 3PO translated. Luke dodged the blasts and shot the stations on the Peace Moon firing at them.
R2 came to life, having finished his calculations, and transmitted the vectors to the other fighters. All Rebel fighters were now flying to the formation R2 had specified. R2 apologized to Porkins. Porkins asked what, just before getting shot down by the Peace Moon's guns.
At the command center, Del Goren, speaking in Space Kanarese that 3PO translated, warned the Rebel fighters that enemy fighters were heading their way.
Luke fired at a PIE fighter. He missed, because his guns were firing a little to the left. Luke ranted about what a piece of junk his fighter was. Princess told him to quit complaining, the Rebellion was on a shoestring and he actually had the best ship in the bunch. R2 offered to compensate for Luke. Biggs told Luke a complicated way that he could manually compensate. Luke chose to beg for R2's help. Luke fired again at the PIE fighter and destroyed it.
Luke was being fired at from behind by a PIE fighter. Wedge offered to rescue Luke, but since Luke didn't trust Wedge, that didn't make Luke any less worried. Wedge fired and hit the PIE fighter.
R2 directed Luke to the "Gungaboo River Valley" because it had the lowest fixed gun density on the way to the target, the thermal exhaust port. Luke asked where that was and R2 told him it was that squareish trench, explaining that the Peace Moon was never fully landscaped. Princess asked if R2 calculated the PIE fighters in his vector. R2 said no, the Rebel fighters were just going to have to dodge. Princess ordered the X-Wings to engage the PIE fighters and the Y-bombers into the valley, pointing out that as bombers, they were the best fit for the target.
The Y-bombers consisted of three one-man fighters: Gold Leader who spoke "Basic", Gold Two who spoke Space German, and Gold Five who spoke Space Finnish. 3PO tried to translate between them, but it ended up making no difference, since Vader, accompanied by 2 Clone Pilots Vader was Force Controlling, came in behind them. First Vader shot down Gold Two, then Vader shot down Gold Leader, then Vader shot down Gold Five.
R2 claimed they couldn't destroy the Peace Moon now. Luke asked why they couldn't torpedo the exhaust port themselves. R2 explained that the port was protected by a large metal grille, and that that was what the bombers were for: to destroy the grille so the other fighters could shoot through the port. Princess reported that they needed a new plan, stat. R2 suggested they take over the Peace Moon. Princess responded that they needed a realistic plan, stat. 3PO suggested some of the fighters ram into the grille. R2 liked that idea, and so took control of the fighters piloted by Garven Dreis, Red Ten, and Red Nine to ram them into the grille. Red Ten, who didn't want to die, desperately fired into the grille. Red Ten claimed it was a hit, which 3PO translated. R2 was pleased, so cancelled the ramming. But then Red Ten reported (through 3PO) that his torpedo didn't destroy the grille, making only a small hole in it. R2 recommenced ramming, but Vader and the two clone pilots came in behind the 3 X-Wings in the trench. Vader shot down Red Ten. Clone Pilot 1, still Force controlled by Vader, complimented Vader's shooting. Vader thanked Clone Pilot 1 and shot down Red Nine. Clone Pilot 2, also still Force controlled by Vader, complimented Vader's shooting. Vader told Clone Pilot 2 that Clone Pilot 2 was too kind and shot Dreis' engine, causing him to crash.
Princess told everybody to get their act together. The only Rebel fighters left now were Wedge, Biggs, and Luke. Luke said, "Great, the yokel and the psychopath." Wedge insisted that just because he was a shapeshifter didn't mean he was a yokel. Luke was shocked to just find out that Wedge was a shapeshifter and demanded to know who he really was. Princess told him that all he needed to know was that Wedge was a damn good pilot and would soon take over as leader of Red Squadron if Luke was not careful. Vader fired at Luke from behind. Luke managed to dodge. He decided they could still fire their torpedoes through the hole in the grille, and ordered Biggs and Wedge to close in with him as they entered the trench full throttle. Upon hearing that, Biggs declared this was the perfect time to get out a bottle of nitro moonshine. Princess told him it was a good idea of his to nitro the engines. But Biggs was just drinking it.
Vader shot at Wedge. Wedge was able to dodge, but was still hit in his maneuvering controls. Wedge said he couldn't stay with Luke. Luke was glad of that (because he still feared and distrusted Wedge) and ordered him back to base. Luke contacted Princess to let her know that Wedge the shapeshifter, not Luke, was flying back to base. Princess asked Luke what his point was, then said, "Never mind, shut up and fly." Vader shot down Biggs. The only members of the attack fleet who were still alive were Wedge, who was limping back to base, and Luke.
R2 taunted Vader, daring Vader to take a pot shot at R2. Vader took a pot shot at R2 and hit him. R2 told Luke that he could still take over the Peace Moon. All he had to do was fly into a hangar, close the doors, and use the Force to take over the clones. With Vader outside, all Luke had to do then was cut off Vader's radio and Vader wouldn't be able to override him. Then they could take over the Peace Moon and rule the Galaxy. Luke was tempted, but wasn't sure whether destroying the Peace Moon or taking it over was supposed to be the wrong option.
Princess announced that the Peace Moon had cleared Yavin, and was about to blow up the rebel base. Luke decided to take the shot. R2 urged him to use the Force, but Luke angrily refused. Vader, still using the Force to control the two clone pilots, had all three of them say in unison, "We have you now..." Suddenly the Millenium Falcon turned up right behind Vader. Chewbacca fired the Falcon's forward cannons, shooting down Clone Pilot 1. Vader was surprised. Vader's surprise had caused Vader to lose control of Clone Pilot 2, and Clone Pilot 2 now went on a joy ride that clipped Vader's fighter, sending Vader spiraling out of control into space.
Luke declared he was taking the shot. Luke fired his two torpedoes, and they headed towards the vent, but looked like they were going to pass over it. Luke urged the torpedoes to "come on...turn, damn you! Turn into the vent!" The torpedoes veered downwards.. Luke said, "Come on!" They were heading into the vent...Luke, Han, Chewbacca, Princess, 3PO, and even R2 (!) yelled in unison, "Come on!" And the torpedoes went straight through the tiny hole in the grille.
At first, nothing seemed to happen. Chewbacca suggested that if a major conflagration was about to occur, it might be expedient to evacuate the area with alacrity. 3PO translated, "Run away!" As Luke and R2's X-Wing and the Falcon fled, their sensors detected a major power surge building up in the Peace Moon. The Peace Moon exploded.
Han explained he planned all along to come back for a last minute rescue because he figured this would throw the traitor a curve ball, whoever that traitor was. He asked Luke how he made that shot. Luke said he just willed the torpedoes into the hole. Princess told him he used the Force. Luke denied it because he didn't know what he was doing. Princess told him that was how to do it. Luke asked if that meant it was something you could only do by not knowing anything about how to do it. Han answered in the affirmative.
Han, Chewbacca, Luke, and R2 made it back to the Rebel base where they were greeted by 3PO and Princess. Chewbacca considered what the political ramifications of this event would be. Princess pointed out that the evil, corrupt Senate was destroyed with the Peace Moon, washing away the Old Republic.
The Rebels had a medal ceremony. Princess presented medals to Luke and Han. Chewbacca declined a medal until he felt they'd actually won. He pointed out that Darth Vader escaped, and they still had to deal with Emperor Palpatine. 3PO insisted that Palpatine was never a bad guy, just a figurehead for the Senate's depravities. R2 replied that they needed a real leader, not a crown. Despite the debate, the heroes all basked in their victory.
The Enemy Let Slip Edit
Since the Rebels blew up the Peace Moon, they'd been on the run evacuating several bases with the Imperials suspiciously close on their heels, but managed to stay hidden on the ice world of Hoth for the past two years. One late afternoon on Hoth, Luke was riding a tauntaun while patrolling a sector outside the Rebel base, Han was riding another tauntaun patrolling a different sector, C-3PO, R2-D2, and Princess were in the command centre of the Rebel base, while Chewbacca was in the hangar working on repairs to the Millennium Falcon.
Luke spotted a meteor landing in the distance. He contacted Han by radio, informing him of the meteor. He told Han that he'd investigate and that if Han didn't hear from him every 15 minutes to execute Protocol Omega. Luke scanned for electromagnetic activity, radiation, unusual radio signals, neutrinos, gravity waves, or tachyons. Luke also scanned for Black Alpha subliminal sub-noise signal layers. A normal, Hoth native animal, the Wampa, ambushed Luke, knocking him down with its claw. Luke was knocked unconscious and the Wampa dragged Luke back to its lair. Han returned to the Rebel base and met Chewbacca at the hangar. Chewbacca asked if anything happened. Han just mentioned the meteor, saying it was cool.
Luke woke up hanging upside down in the Wampa's lair, his feet stuck to the ceiling with the Wampa's frozen saliva. He tried to break free, but failed. He saw his laser sword lying just out of reach. With the Wampa heading towards him, he reluctantly used Force Pull to cause the laser sword to leap into his hand. He used the sword to swipe at the ice around his feet, and he dropped to the ground. As the Wampa attacked, Luke waved his laser sword as far away from himself as possible, which ended up slicing the Wampa's arm off. This only made Luke even more fearful of the laser sword. As the Wampa backed away, Luke ran out of the lair and into the harsh blizzard and collapsed.
Out in the blizzard, Luke heard a voice calling out to him. Obi-Wan appeared faintly before Luke. Luke asked if he was a ghost. Obi-Wan told him there was no such thing; that he was actually a cloud of midi-chlorians. Luke said he saw Obi-Wan die. Obi-Wan explained that he actually was using Force Transcend, a Jedi method to transcend your physical form when you're ready to move on. The body vanishes and the spirit lives on in the midi-chlorians. Vader boasted that Vader found a new power, "Force Disintegrate", but it was actually the older Force Transcend power Vader was misusing without understanding its basic function. Obi-Wan warned Luke that he needed to master the Force before it mastered him, that uncontrolled the Force could lead to a greater wealth of evil than Luke could possibly imagine. He told Luke there was one more Jedi master left and that Luke must seek him out to teach Luke to control his powers. Luke asked why Obi-Wan couldn't teach him since he was right there. Obi-Wan explained that the natural state of the midi-chlorians was quiescent, and that it required profound effort to manifest even briefly. Obi-Wan told Luke the Jedi Master's name was Yoda and that he was probably still on Dagobah. Obi-Wan faded away, despite Luke begging him not to.
Han found Luke in the snow. Luke mumbled that he must find Dagobah. Han told Luke that Luke's suffering out here was over now (because, as the traitor, Han was about to kill Luke). Luke (who was deliberately selectively quoting Obi-Wan because he suspected Han was the traitor) then mumbled, "More wealth...than you can imagine..." Han asked, "What? Wealth? I don't know, I can imagine quite a bit." (This changed Han's mind to save Luke just so Luke could lead him to this "wealth".) Han decided he needed to get Luke warmed up. He looked around for firewood, but all he could see was the snow, Luke, and Luke's laser sword. Han eagerly picked up the laser sword and swung it around to warm up the air. Due to sheer clumsiness, Han sliced open the belly of his own tauntaun. Han decided he and Luke could camp inside the "won-ton" until it freeze-dried and then Han could set it on fire.
The next morning, C-3PO was on hand at the base to translate over radio for Zev Senesca, a hoverplane pilot who was flying around the next morning looking for Han and Luke, and Zev only spoke in Space Reverse Polish Notation. He was able to find and contact Han, which 3PO translated. Han asked Zev if he has any firewood.
Han and Luke were taken back to the Rebel base, and Luke was placed in a tube filled with healing fluid. Han tried to talk Luke into going with him to a "Dagger Bar", but the medical droid 2-1B pointed out that Luke couldn't hear him because he was in an induced coma.
After Luke recovered, Han asked him if he knew any good bars. Chewbacca offered that he and Han already know an abundance of good bars. Han told Chewbacca to "ix-nay on the advice-ay." Princess told Han that he was not leaving the base just to get a drink. She pointed out that the base had it's own ice bar, explaining it was referred to as "The Security Briefing Room". Han still tried to talk Luke into going off planet for some "real R&R". He tried to coax Princess into letting them go by flirting with her and putting his arm around her. Princess yelled at him to get his arm off her. She then told Luke she was glad he was safe and kissed him on the lips. She announced that Luke was right, there was a traitor and she knew who it was. Luke shushed her because Wedge might be in the room even now. Han offered Luke a drink. Luke accepted and asked for some blue milk. Princess asked, "Did you say blue milk?" Luke explained that his aunt and uncle used to give it to him and he got kinda use to it, even though he hadn't been able to find any since. Princess commented that her parents used to give her blue milk too, when she was a kid.
At the Rebel base, General Rieekan was disgusted to report that their sensors are picking up an electronic signal. Princess realized it was either a prospector droid or an Imperial droid looking for Luke, since Darth Vader had put a price on his head. Rieekan said he'd hate to lose this base just because of Luke. Princess pointed out they were hiding everybody, pilots, work crew, droids...Rieekan balked at the idea of sheltering droids. C-3PO asked him if he had a problem with droids. Rieekan claimed that some of his best friends were droids. 3PO asked, like who? Rieekan stammered for a bit before coming up with that one who fixed him his salad. 3PO indignantly pointed out that was her. Rieekan lamely apologized by saying all droids looked alike to him.
Princess ordered Han and Chewbacca outside to determine if the droid was hostile. As they creeped up on the droid, Han stated that they'd see what the droid wanted, and if it was hostile, they'd destroy it. Luke asked over the radio how they'd know if it was hostile. Han replied, if it shot back. Princess ordered Han to disable the droid, take a memory dump, and make it look like an accident. Han shot it in a vital area, causing it to completely blow up. Chewbacca suggested the droid was probably Imperial. Rieekan said he wasn't Droidist, but you just couldn't trust them. Princess decided they had to assume that the Empire knew they were there and she initiated evacuation, preparing for a possible attack. Rieekan suggested Operation Codename: Kamikaze Droid Decoy. R2-D2 suggested Operation Codename: Explosive Meat Dispersal.
Luke was getting ready to leave the medical facility and asked 2-1B if he was evacuating too. 2-1B said he was and had just initiated evacuation protocol mu-gamma. Then, he realized that was actually a pre-colonoscopy procedure and suggested Luke might want to regurgitate those tablets 2-1B gave him.
Luke reached the hangar and greeted Han and Chewbacca. He told them they'd better have their guns ready. Chewbacca said their guns were working perfectly. Han claimed they didn't need to evacuate, the Imperials probably thought their droid self-destructed, that Princess was over reacting again, and the Imperials wouldn't attack. Rieekan announced that Imperial star destroyers had just emerged from hyperspace. Han called it coincidence.
Luke boarded a hoverplane with his co-pilot, Dak. He asked Dak how it was going, and Dak said he felt great because he'd met this girl, Toryn, and after the battle, they were going to retire and settled down on Alderaan. Dak described his plans for the future and how happy he and Toryn were going to be together. As Luke let all that sink in, it occurred to him to ask, how exactly does one retire from a Rebellion?
On his hoverplane, Luke fired at the nearest "camel" (actually an armored tank). Luke's shot bounced off the armored tank. Luke noted the hoverplanes came equipped with harpoons for hunting glacier worms. R2 asked how that was going to help. Luke admitted he didn't know, he was just making it up as he went along. At that moment, a tank fired at his hoverplane. Luke tried to dodge, but the hoverplane sustained major damage in the rear compartment. Luke asked Dak if he was okay, but Dak had slumped forward, unconscious. The Rebel Troopers kept firing at the tanks, only for all their shots to keep bouncing off. In one of the tanks, General Veers contacted Vader to complain how silly he felt riding a giant attack camel. Vader asked if it was working. Veers admitted that it was. Vader told him Vader would be landing Vader's troops. Luke contacted Princess to warn that the Imperials would be landing troops soon. Princess asked if he was sure since they hadn't picked up any landers yet. Luke replied that he just had a feeling. Luke fired a harpoon at one of the tanks, hitting it in its legs. Wedge radioed in from another hoverplane to compliment his shooting, but said he didn't think Luke could tow it very far. 3PO suggested he fly around the tank's legs to trip it with his harpoon wire. Luke did so and the tank tripped and fell. R2 ordered the Rebel Troopers to capture that camel. Ledick Firest was happy to obey this order, because then they could use it against the others. The Imperial Troopers in the fallen tank tried to get it back up again. They pressed a button labeled "Rise triumphantly" only to discover that it just opened the sunroof. Luke fired into the open sunroof, causing the entire tank to explode, much to R2's distress.
One of the camels fired at Luke's hoverplane. Luke tried to dodge, but he was hit and the blast hit the engines and caused the hoverplane to crash right in the path of the camel. Luke wanted to pull Dak to safety, but it was a struggle just to get out of his own safety harness. Luke made it out. He still tried to get Dak out, who moaned, indicating he was still alive, but the camel continued bearing down on them. Luke lost his grip of Dak and fell headlong into the snow. Luke insisted he could still save him. The camel's huge foot landed on the hoverplane with Dak still inside, crushing it. Luke amended that to maybe.
Luke was so enraged at Dak's death he chased after the camel that crushed him. Luke easily caught up to the slow moving tank and was directly under it. He fired his grappling hook at its underbelly and winched his way up to it. He sliced it open with his laser sword, tossed a grenade into it, and dropped to the ground. The camel exploded.
In his camel, General Veers was starting to feel great about the impending Imperial victory. He noted the puny Rebels fleeing from the might of the Empire. He noted that one of those Rebels was so stupid, he was running in the wrong direction, straight towards them! He ordered the sunroof opened so he could bathe in the majesty of their supremacy. One of the Troopers with him noted that it was -40 outside. He told the Trooper to bring him a scarf.
Han, 3PO, and Princess were running through a corridor, trying to make their way to the Falcon. Princess contacted Luke on the radio and told him to get to the Falcon as fast as he could. Luke replied not while these camels were still standing. The others could hear over the radio Luke taunting the remaining camels, Luke slicing them with his laser sword, and a couple of loud kabooms. Princess asked him if he was alright. Luke replied that he killed them all. R2 yelled, "NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!"
Luke had made his way on foot to the outer perimeter of the base where he met R2, who'd managed to fly their X-wing there to meet him, and a few stray fighter pilots getting ready to leave. Princes radioed Luke that the base was lost and he should get out of there. Wedge overheard and agreed, and told Luke to meet him at the rendezvous point. Luke told Wedge to remember that was rendezvous point, Luke paused, and then said Zeta (clearly still distrusting Wedge). Luke asked if everyone made it out of the base. He learned that General Rieekan stayed behind. R2 called that an unqualified success!
Luke and R2-D2 had finished their jump through hyperspace on their X-wing only to find nobody there when they reached the rendezvous point. Luke decided he couldn't stay here much longer because the Empire could be on his tail. He decided to try to find that old Jedi Master Obi-Wan had told him about, Yoda, and headed off to Dagobah.
Luke and R2 headed to Dagobah on their X-wing fighter. Luke told R2 to use passive scans only, so as not to attract any Imperial attention. He suggested that they couldn't trust anybody but Yoda and to assume everyone on the planet were all Imperials, that they should not go outdoors unless absolutely necessary, to be cautious about hacking into computer systems, and that they should make contact with the underground to find Yoda, and that it might take months. He only hoped they'd be able to find him alone. Luke noticed a switch that said, "Droid translator". He turned it on, enabling R2 to speak. R2 went into a long, loud, angry rant about how the makers of the X-wing decided to make the translator the one thing that couldn't be accessed remotely, and at the end of his long rant, rhetorically asked why anyone would do that. Luke told him he couldn't imagine.
As they headed into Dagobah's atmosphere, their vision was obscured by a thick fog. Luke tried to land, but he ended up landing in the middle of a swamp. R2 quickly grasped that this entire planet was made of swamp, but Luke, still clueless, asked why he'd land in a swamp, before realizing it was because he didn't use any active scanners. Luke wondered if he should try to take off in the X-wing and land somewhere else. R2 was pretty sure that might be a huge waste of time. As they got out of the X-wing, R2 tried to scan for lifeforms, and Luke reminded him he was only supposed to do passive scans only. R2 scanned to learn that there were lifeforms all around them, more than could be counted. R2 tried to scan for any electromagnetic activity, only to find nothing whatsoever.
The X-wing rocked unsteadily in the swamp water, and R2 fell into the swamp water while Luke didn't. R2 used his periscope to make his way through the water, while Luke managed to climb onto some land. Suddenly, a dragonsnake emerged from the water and swallowed R2 whole. Fortunately, since R2 didn't taste good to dragons, the dragonsnake spit him out in disgust. R2 landed near Luke.
Luke expressed his frustration at how he was supposed to find Yoda now. The more he talked about it, the more agitated he got.
On Dagobah, Luke was setting up camp with R2, using his swamp survival skills he learned from his adoptive parents in "Punishment Room Two". Suddenly, Yoda showed up, and addressed Luke as "young field hopper." Luke, startled, drew his gun. Yoda asked him to put "Patricia" away. When Luke asked who that was, Yoda explained it was Luke's gum. Or was that gun. It had been a long time since Yoda had had to speak, and he was clearly a bit stir-crazy. He called R2 "doop bug", and began rummaging through their supplies, giving each item of food a person's name. Luke asked who he was. He introduced herself as Darth Saine. Luke commented that he knew a Darth. Yoda explained it was a title, "Like Professor Pantaloon over there." Luke told him he was pointing at a tree. Yoda shushed him, telling him Pantaloon thought of herself as a pile of klee-klees and was a little nuts. Yoda grabbed a flashlight and named it "Wendy of Luma-ma". R2 tried to take it from him, so Yoda hit R2 with a stick that he called, "Baron Barkey". Luke asked him if he knew where he could find any civilization or people. Yoda said there were lots and that he could take him to them. Luke declined, saying Yoda might be leading him to a hut of human skin. Yoda said, "Silly, be not, young Luke." Luke was startled Yoda knew his name when he didn't tell him. Yoda told him he was as impatient as the day he was born. He told him to follow him. Luke told R2 to guard the ship, and if Luke was not back in one hour, to scuttle the ship and hide in the bottom of the swamp. Yoda implied he thought Luke was nuts.
On Dagobah, Yoda, the crazy ex-Jedi that the Rebel Luke had to put up with, had taken Luke to his hut. R2 outside looked in on a window. Yoda was stirring up some unappetizing ingredients for a stew that was bubbling in his cauldron. He offered Luke a choice for dinner, first there was what was in a bottle he had. Luke instantly realized the bottle had blue milk that he'd missed so much. Yoda told him his other choice was what was in the cauldron. He told him that if he took the blue milk, he'd be like everyone else, no Force, no danger, and no expectations. But if he took the red brew in the cauldron, he'd realize his full Jedi powers. Luke realized the blue milk his adoptive parents fed him was suppressing his Force abilities, and that when they told him if he stopped drinking it he'd die, it meant that if he stopped drinking it Vader would find him. He also realized that Yoda'd been taking the blue milk, too, and that was how he'd stayed hidden all this time. This made Luke all the more anxious to drink the blue milk now, as he was fearful the Empire could find him any minute. Yoda told him he'd enjoy it here in the swamp for the rest of his life.
On Dagobah, Yoda asked Luke if he'd decided between the blue milk or the red stew. Luke wondered aloud about which choice did Obi-Wan pick. Yoda revealed that Obi-Wan made the stew. Upon finding out that this alien creature who introduced himself as Darth Saine knew Obi-Wan, Luke realized for the first time that "Darth Saine" was the Yoda he'd been looking for. Luke decided that if the stew could make him as powerful as Yoda said it would, that he'd no longer need to take the blue milk to stay hidden. As Yoda fed Luke the stew, he revealed it was made up of various insect and arachnid excrements, or as he liked to call it, Obi-Wan's secret recipe of eleven turds and spiders. He offered to train Luke in the Force. Luke initially accepted, but balked when Yoda made it sound like he'd have to stay here for several years. Obi-Wan's voice, through his cloud of midi-chlorians, told Luke that Yoda was the best teacher in the ways of the Force. Luke reluctantly decided he'd train under Yoda if Obi-Wan said so. Obi-Wan conceded that Yoda was also the only teacher in the ways of the Force.
Yoda made Luke run around the swamp and climb the trees. Luke was feeling fatigued and decided he needed a break. Yoda told him that now his training could begin. Luke was shocked to learn that that wasn't training. Yoda explained how he was just having Luke sweat out what was left of the blue milk in his system, and he won't have to exercise like that anymore. Luke was glad to hear that, but asked if he wouldn't need exercise to build up his strength and stamina. Yoda told him no, the midi-chlorians would do that for him. Yoda asked if he knows why only Jedi wielded laser swords. Luke replied that he didn't know why anybody would wield a laser sword. Yoda told him it was because the Jedi used the Force to guide their laser swords, and if used properly, it was impossible to injure oneself with it. Luke was blown away by this revelation.
Luke asked how his training was to begin. Yoda told him to choose his own path. Luke decided he was drawn to a nearby tree. Yoda told him the tree was named Lord Elric Fluffypants, and that the tree was the last of his kind. He also told Luke that he could sense his own power. Luke said it was full of midi-chlorians. Yoda told him Lord Elric collected them, and that he was a trap. Luke decided this was too important to ignore.
Luke checked out the tree and discovered a cave underneath its roots. He went in. His sense of power increased and a dark figure emerged. Darth Vader was the figure Luke saw in the cave. Luke said aloud that Yoda must be testing him, and that Vader was just a manifestation of his own paranoia. Vader enquired if Yoda was training Luke. Luke told himself to ignore Vader and Vader would go away, addressing himself aloud as Luke. Vader identified him as Luke Satrkiller. Vader realized he must be a Jedi and declared that Vader's son would never have been killed by a mere ruffian. Vader attacked Luke with Vader's laser sword. He defended himself with his. They dueled with their laser swords. Luke yelled that Vader killed Obi-Wan. Vader gloated over this, and Luke decapitated Vader. When Vader's helmet and head fell off, part of the helmet had broken apart, revealing Luke's Head inside. Luke's Head told Luke that he (the head) was Luke's future...unless Luke defeated his (Luke's) past. Luke decided this proved the cave was a metaphysical test after all, and asked if he passed.
Yoda told Luke that wasn't metaphysical and he failed the test. Luke argued that even though he saw his own head, it was still clearly attached to the rest of his body, so how could that not be just a metaphor. Yoda explained that Luke summoned an avatar of Vader from Luke's fears, and that it reverted to metaphor only when Luke decapitated Vader, severing the psychic connection. Yoda explained that the real Vader saw, heard, and felt everything. Luke asked if that meant he killed Vader. Yoda didn't believe so. Luke asked how he was able to contact Vader. Yoda told him he must have forged a psychic link with Vader in the past and asked him if he ever felt he knew what Vader was saying and doing even though there should've been no way he could've known it. Luke said sure, but that he hadn't thought about it that mu- "No!" Yoda interrupted him. There must have been a reason. Luke asked how, since he'd never even met Vader. He recalled that Vader said Luke killed Vader's son. He wondered if that son was on the Peace Moon or something. Then he remembered that Princess was Vader's daughter, and horrified thinks that he killed her brother. Yoda asked who that was. Luke told her it was Senator Princess Organa. Then he remembered that Princess' adoptive parents fed her blue milk, just like his did, and was horrified when he recalled that Princess kissed him on the mouth. Yoda realized that Princess must be Leia, the baby daughter the Organas adopted, and realized this was very bad news. Luke realized that he didn't kill Princess' brother, he is Princess' brother, and if Vader is her dad...He yelled a loud, "Nooooo-" followed by Yoda yelling, "Noooo-" Then Yoda stopped and asked Luke why he was "Nooo"ing. Luke explained it was because Vader, the most evil person in the galaxy, was his father, and asked Yoda why he was "Nooo"ing. Yoda explained that Anakin, the most powerful and evil Jedi who ever lived was Luke's father and was still alive. They both yelled in unison, "Nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!"
R2-D2 said he hated to interrupt their "Nooo"s but something actually important just happened. He said on the bright side, the energy signature of their ship just went way down, literally, and that their ship was now very well hidden, but on the less bright side the dragonsnake was a real jerk, since their X-wing was now almost completely submerged in the swamp water. Luke asked what R2 was talking about. R2 reminded him that Luke did ask R2 to scuttle the ship. Luke asked if he did. R2 denied it. Luke was relieved until R2 clarified that it wasn't him personally who did. Luke summarized in his own words that R2 repeatedly taunted the dragonsnake from ashore and then the dragonsnake sank the ship. R2 insisted he wasn't giving the dragonsnake difficult riddles. For an intelligent being. Yoda declared that Luke could now stay with Yoda here for the next 900 years.
Luke insisted he needed that ship. Yoda told him he didn't. Luke repeated that he did. Yoda declared this was an argument that they must settle in the traditional Jedi way: Force Arm-Wrestle. Yoda said they were just a three day's hike away from Hubert and Nancy, the two biggest boulders on the planet, and he called dibs on lifting Hubert first since Hubert was on a diet. Luke suggested that they use the Force to lift something nearby like his ship. Yoda objected that there was only one ship. Luke suggested that while one used the Force to levitate the ship, the other used the Force to keep it down, force against force like a normal arm wrestle, and to make it best of three. Yoda accepted. Luke tried to use the Force to levitate the ship, but Yoda was able to overcome him, and used the Force to push the ship even further underwater. Luke said it was now Yoda's turn to levitate the ship while Luke tried to push it down. Yoda levitated the ship effortlessly out of the water and carried it ashore, almost as if Luke wasn't using the Force to push down on the ship at all. Yoda gloats that his victory was too easy. Luke pretended to be disappointed.
On Dagobah. Luke was still reeling from the shock of learning Vader was his father. Yoda told him it was even worse, Vader could now sense Luke's mind as Luke was able to sense Vader's. R2-D2 suggested that Luke go back to the tree and reach out to Vader again. He said Vader would be surrounded by the Clone Troopers so all Luke would have to do was mind control them and have them all shoot Vader at once. Luke thought Vader would be too prepared for that. (Luke was able to understand R2-D2 because he removed the translator from the X-wing when he told R2 to guard the ship.)
Luke decided that Vader might know where he was now, and decided to leave and take the fight to Vader. Yoda tried to talk him into luring Vader to Dagobah to distract Vader from other things, but Luke didn't think that was a good idea.
On Dagobah, Luke and R2 boarded their X-wing, intending to go find Vader. Yoda told Luke that he didn't know where to find Vader. Luke decided to use his psychic link to Vader to try to locate Vader. Obi-Wan appeared before Luke, urging him not to open his mind to Vader. Luke asked Obi-Wan if he'd been haunting him. Obi-Wan replied, no, that as a cloud of midi-chlorians, he came to Dagobah on Luke's ship. Upon reaching out to Vader's mind, Luke was alarmed and was all the more frantic to leave. Obi-Wan told him he had to stay with Obi-Wan and Yoda to complete his training. Luke asked if Obi-Wan wasn't coming with him and R2. Obi-Wan explained that this was the Jedi homeworld. Luke thought that was because Yoda was the last Jedi and lived there. Yoda explained that the midi-chlorians of transcended Jedi were brought here and lived in Lord Elric Fluffypants. Obi-Wan said that he and the other residents prefered calling it, "the tree." Luke said he sensed a strange protective energy around Vader and two words that he didn't know what they meant. Yoda asked Luke to whisper those two words to him. Luke did so. After hearing it, Yoda said it would take some time to think of this development, and told Luke not to leave. Luke said Yoda was nuts, and that if Yoda sensed his death, to leave the planet. After Luke and R2 took off, Yoda said he thought they'd never leave. Obi-Wan pointed out they were urging Luke to stay. Yoda said exactly, anyone else would've left days ago (implying Yoda was trying to use reverse psychology to get Luke to leave sooner). Obi-Wan feared Luke was too much like his father. Yoda said he was counting on that. Obi-Wan asked him if he wanted Luke to confront Vader. He said that if anyone could overcome Vader, it was Vader's son. Obi-Wan said Luke was their last hope. Yoda said no, there was another. Obi-Wan replied that she was surrounded by complete rogues.
As Luke and R2 headed to Bespin on their X-wing, Luke reflected on how he had to rescue his sister Princess from Darth Vader, their own father. R2 agreed, saying that it was a region of problems, and how this ain't no Dagobah, this was Crowd City. Luke was worried how the truth that he and Princess were the children of a tyrant was going to go over once it became public. R2 said that while at first brush it would bleed discontent, kids always rebelled against their parents, so it would totally legitimize Luke. Luke said he didn't want to be legitimized by killing his own father.
As Luke and R2's X-wing entered Bespin's orbit and approached Cloud City, R2 told him to concentrate real hard on not using the Force. Luke replied he was doing just fine on that until R2 reminded him.
Luke and R2 had landed and were cautiously making their way across a corridor in Cloud City. R2 offered to hack into the city's mainframe and download everything. Luke thought this was a good idea, and asked him to find a map. They came across Boba Fett taking Han's frozen body with him. Boba muttered he needed Jabba's facilities. Luke asked, what? Boba overheard him and fired a couple of shots at them. Luke and R2 ducked behind a corner. Luke asked R2 if he'd gotten a map yet, and if they could double around behind Fett. R2 said it could be a long load. Luke told him to hurry up. R2 replied that he didn't want to misread. Luke decided that since Vader already knew they were here, he'd use Force Sense, only to learn that Fett had gone. R2 said maybe he took fright.
Luke and R2 came across Chewbacca, Princess, and 3PO being escorted by Lando and the Clone Troopers. Luke called out to them that it was a trap. Princess sarcastically thanked Luke. The Clone Troopers shot at Luke, then rushed the others away. Luke wondered if anyone was ever going to actually fight him.
As Luke entered a room, a door started to descend, threatening to separate him from R2. R2 tried to stop the door, but failed. He complained that the whole place was gritching out. He and Luke were separated.
Luke had entered the freezing facility. Darth Vader started to confront him.
Darth Vader and Luke dueled with their laser swords. They tried to taunt each other with verbal insults, but Luke got his muddled.
Vader continued dueling Luke with their laser swords. Vader Force Pushed Luke, causing him to fall into the alcohol freezing pit that froze Han.
Vader stood over the freezing pit, gloating over Luke's downfall. Luke leaped from the pit, retrieved his laser sword, and they resumed dueling. Luke Force Pushed Vader off a ledge and jumps off after Vader.
Luke searched for Vader along a corridor. Vader confronted him, and he taunted Vader. Vader was so enraged Vader used the Force to throw various objects at Luke. Vader used the Force to throw one more object towards Luke that missed him, but hit the large glass window behind him. This caused a huge vacuum suction to suck Luke through the window and into a gigantic circular chamber with a bottomless pit.
Luke had managed to grab onto the edge of a catwalk, and managed to climb up to the catwalk's ledge. Darth Vader arrived. They resumed their laser sword duel, Luke accusing Vader of all of Vader and Anakin's past crimes. Vader replied Vader didn't care one jot for the sanctimonious misconceptions of the one who killed Vader's son. Vader managed to slice off Luke's hand, the one holding his laser sword.
Darth Vader was standing over Luke, declaring Vader was about to have revenge for the murder of Vader's son. Luke told Vader Obi-Wan never told Vader what happened to Vader's son. Vader said Obi-Wan told Vader enough, he told Vader Luke killed him. Luke told Vader, no, he is Vader's son. Vader said that was not true, that was impossible. Luke told Vader to search Vader's feelings, Vader knew it to be true. Vader yelled, "No! Noooooooooo...." for a very long time. Once Vader ran out of "ooooooo..."s, Luke told Vader that Vader couldn't kill him now since Vader was his father. Vader told him, no, Vader knew that really was impossible. Luke said he figured it all out: Princess was Vader's daughter adopted by Bail Organa and Breha Moon-Flower and raised on Alderaan, while Luke was Princess' twin brother, placed in the care of Owen and Beru Lars on Tatooine. Ergo, Vader was their father Anakin. He accused Vader of murdering his mother Padme. Vader told him, no, Vader was his mother. Luke was just confused by this and asked how. She begian, "Well, I loved Anakin very much and then..."
Vader claimed the Japor snippet Anakin gave Padme had special powers. Darth Vader said this was how Padme was able to survive for so long, like against the assassination attempt on the Coruscant landing platform, or the fight against the nexu. Vader added, as another example, of Padme's survival from dehydration and exposure on Geonosis. This was also how Vader was able to survive the system shock from being decapitated while in a psychic link with Luke. Luke asked what happened to Anakin. Vader replied that he was horribly mutilated and burnt on the lava field, so he died, obviously. To save Padme. Vader then related how Anakin didn't die immediately, that he suffered for days on the lava field where Obi-Wan abandoned him. In flashback, Anakin was lying on the lava field, calling out to Padme. Darth Vader related how as Padme she experienced her own funeral and tried to speak up. In flashback, Padme on her funeral bier called Sio Bibble a traitorous wretch, and accused him of selling out to the Feds just to save his own sorry butt. Bibble started to defend himself from the accusation than stopped, and apologized, saying he thought he heard someone say something.
Vader related how the next thing she knew, she was encased in the full black body armor and helmet, with Palpatine saying, "Padmé... Rise..." Vader asked, "What... What have you done to me?" Palpatine replied, " I need a strong figurehead to control the military; you shall have the power you crave. Do not deny it; I have sensed it building in you. Anakin was a hero of the Republic; but sadly he was too far gone." Vader asked, "He's d-d-... dead?" Palpatine replied, " I transfused his midi-chlorians into you; they will grant you Force powers. The midi-chlorians have supported your shattered body; they will help you grow strong again. But the military chain of command is very... traditional; they won't accept a female leader." Vader asked, "They will assume... I am Anakin?" Palpatine answered, "Yes. You must maintain the illusion that you are now effectively a retired Jedi; you should adopt the "Darth" honorific." Vader replied, " I shall be known as... Darth Vader." Palpatine said, "I regret to say, your life support systems contain... measures to ensure your loyalty." Vader asked, "What do you mean?" Palpatine answered, "You are too dangerous, too... reckless. You must learn control. Until you do, I shall be your master. Now, get me some tea." Vader replied, "Sigh, very well." Palpatine added, "One sugar." Vader answered, "Yes, yes." Palpatine added, "No milk. A slice of space pear." Vader yelled, "Noooooo!!!"
Luke pointed out all this meant that Vader didn't kill his mother and he didn't kill her son, so now what. Vader told him to join her and he and her daughter could rule the Galaxy as a dynasty. Luke replied that he was thinking of asking her to join the Rebellion. Vader said she wasn't asking, she was telling. Luke chose to leap off the catwalk, yelling, "You're not the boss of me! Mum!"
As Luke fell, Nute Gunray contacted him from the PA System, offering Luke to join him and help the Trade Federation take over the Galaxy. Luke was nearing the bottom of the bottomless pit. Luke tried to use his Force powers and he slowed and guided his fall into a side vent and slid to a stop in a series of tubes. Gunray continued his spiel. Luke told Gunray he'd think about it. Gunray opened a trapdoor under Luke and told him to take all the time he'd "rike".
Gunray continued his spiel as Luke slid down some more tubes, saying Light and Dark were irrelevant to pure profit, and not-so-subtly implied if Luke didn't join him, Luke would die. Luke turned down Gunray. Gunray opened another trapdoor under Luke, causing him to fall through the bottom of Cloud City. Luke reached out to grab at some metal protrusions at the bottom. With acrobatics and climbing he was able to just barely hold on to an alcohol condenser. The alcohol in the atmosphere got to him and he was smashed. Luke tried to climb back up the hatch he fell through, but with his inebriation, the hatch closed before he could reach it. Running out of options, Luke remembered he had psychic connection, but realized he only knows how to contact Vader. Then he decided he could also try contacting his sister. Luke psychically reached out to Princess. Princess on the Falcon could hear Luke but was still thoroughly drunk. Luke told her to come pick him up.
Princess drunkenly told the others they should turn the Falcon around. Chewbacca pointed out to her they were trying to avoid a chase from Imperial ships and couldn't believe she wanted them to turn around. Princess objected, "But Luke's a party animal!" Lando recognized the name and realized she must mean Luke Starkiller, the number 1 bounty on the Imperial list. He sarcastically commented that it was getting lonely associating only with the Number 2 and Number 3 Most Wanted in the Galaxy. 3PO said she had great news: she hadn't been downloading the latest list and Lando was not now Number 4. Princess told Chewbacca they totally needed Luke 'cause, "he can do Force party tricks and stuff!" Chewbacca pointed out there was potentially even more important reasons for going back for Luke. Princess agreed, they could totally fill a couple of kegs while they were there!
The Falcon reached Luke still hanging onto the condenser. Chewbacca told Lando to go extricate Luke from the dorsal hatch while Chewbacca flew directly under him. This was done, and Lando was able to grab Luke and take him onboard the Falcon. Luke drunkenly complained about the "watershlides" that had no water. Lando admitted he had no idea why they installed that thing. Princess drunkenly greeted Luke. Lando left Luke to go see what Chewbacca was doing with "my" ship as Lando called it. Princess rested Luke on a bed. Luke said there was something he really needed to tell her. But before he could, Princess gave him a big, sloppy kiss. Luke yelled, "Bleagh! Wait! No! Too late! Nooooooo!!!!" Princess asked what she did. Luke told her she kissed her own brother. Princess replied, "No way! When?"
Princess made her way back to the cockpit and rejoined Chewbacca and Lando. Some PIE fighters were gaining on them, but Princess assured the others "dad" wouldn't shoot at them. Then the PIE fighters started shooting at them. Nute Gunray came on the intercom and revealed he'd taken over the PIE fighters, calling them, "the fleshest addition to the Trade Federation freet." Meanwhile, R2 had successfully reassembled all of 3PO's body except the bottom half of her left leg, including putting her head back on properly. She thanked R2 and explained while he might not have realized it, but when her head was on backwards, she kept saying the opposite of what she meant. Princess drunkenly said she had noooo idea. Chewbacca apologized and explained he put her head on backwards to conceal his and Han's treachery from Princess, to no avail. Princess laughed and called Chewbacca "total traitor pants." Lando asked her if she was going to let Chewbacca get away with that. She slurred nooo, they have to decide between the space lions, or the space rack, or the plasteel maiden. Lando assumed she meant after a fair trial. Princess asked who'd volunteer to try those?
Darth Vader psychically contacted Luke. She told him she sensed a disturbance in the Force, that he made contact with his sister. He insisted that wasn't his fault, she kissed him! Vader told him the ships firing on the Falcon were under Gunray's control, and would destroy him unless he returned to her. Princess drunkenly asked Luke who he was talking to. Luke replied, "Multiple choice: (A) Your mother. (B) My mother. (C) Darth Vader. (D) All of the above."
R2 with 3PO to translate made a long-winded boast on how it'd be up to him to save the day, and that he had secretly hid in his body cavity the Lost Orb of Phanastacoria! Princess asked him if he could've used it at any time. He replief, no, only when it would've been maximally awesome. R2 said he was ready to rock this ship and roll. Chewbacca told him to plug into the Falcon and they could get the hyperdrive started in a jiffy. R2 declared he'd wired his shock probe to the Orb and that it now had plenty of power. He said it was time to play. Suddenly Chewbacca yelled that was not R2, but Nute Gunray, and that he'd kill them all. Gunray fully possessed R2 again, and gloated over having found the "Rost" Orb again. Chewbacca left the cockpit and entered the room 3PO and the Gunray-possessed R2 were at. Chewbacca asked Gunray why his PIE fighters were still firing on them since Gunray was onboard. Gunray/R2 declared he was many, that he was in competition with himself, that the victor must obviously be the strongest, and that was how he'd prevail.
Chewbacca climbed into the repair pit and asked Gunray what he planned to do to them. Gunray/R2 declared he'd "electrifly" the entire ship and use his shock "plobe" to "electrifly" them all "individuarry". Chewbacca taunted Gunray/R2, telling him he wouldn't be able to get down the pit to shock Chewbacca. Gunray/R2 declared he'd reverse the ship's "glavity". Chewbacca told him he couldn't while they still controlled the ship. Gunray/R2 declared he'd "prug" into the auxiliary controls. Chewbacca admitted that could be a problem.
Onboard the Falcon, Gunray/R2 declared that they may have thought that Anakin killed him, but in reality his powers "brossomed", freed from the unitary existence of corporeality. Princess tried to persuade Gunray to join with the Rebellion against their common enemy, the Empire. Gunray/R2 said she didn't understand competition, and that soon his overarching ambition would win out. Gunray/R2 plugged into the auxiliary controls. Suddenly he panicked, saying he could feel his mind going. He started singing, "Daisy" then faded out. R2 sparkled. R2 regained control of himself and said, "Coooool."
The Falcon now instantly went into hyperspace. Chewbacca explained that Nute was no more. He elaborated that something had been wrong with the Falcon's computer ever since Thila, Chewbacca realized it was some sort of virus so he began writing countermeasures, spending two years making it increasingly aggressive since the virus was so insidious, that it eventually cleaned the ship and Chewbacca left it active in case of reinfection. When Nute revealed himself, Chewbacca knew what to do. Lando asked if that was why Chewbacca insisted on taking the Falcon. Chewbacca affirmed this, saying all other ships were vulnerable. He just had to trick Nute into plugging into the ship and the antivirus wiped him clean.
R2 exulted at being himself again and thanked Chewbacca. He asked Chewbacca how he knew Nute was still lurking. Chewbacca answered that R2's beeps weren't matching what 3PO was translated. R2 was amazed that Chewbacca deciphered his beep language. Chewbacca admitted it was hard work, but worth the effort. Ever since Chewbacca had met R2 and R2 had explained the simplest part of his beep language by clarifying that "boop" meant "no", Chewbacca had been taking detailed notes. When R2 said, through 3PO's translation, "rock the ship and roll," his beeps used "boobleep" which meant "lock" and "eeroo-biddle" which meant "happy-speak", which Chewbacca took to mean, "LOL". Luke asked when Nute began infecting R2. R2 revealed it was when he downloaded the Peace Moon. R2 could tell it was happening, but he had to figure out what Nute would and wouldn't let him do. R2 revealed he'd been trying to give subtle clues that something was wrong with him, like when he tried to abandon the others on Hoth. He felt that was so out of character, the others should have noticed. He could also swap the Rs and Ls in his speech, to let everyone know something was wrong within the parameters of the system, but he had to be subtle about it.
The Falcon reached the Rebel fleet at the rendezvous point. The Rebel Ship radioed them asking them where they'd been, that they'd been waiting for months and were almost out of hummus. Princess apologized, saying they got a bit caught up. 3PO, R2, Princess, and Luke boarded the main Rebel ship and requested a new hand be made for Luke.
2-1B provided Luke with a new cybernetic hand.